We all wish we could bring our friends along for the ride when something great happens to us but that's not how life works. Every opportunity isn't open to all people for a reason. Sometimes you win and sometimes you don't.

I have several friends who have either studied abroad already or are going to and yeah I'm proud of them. Of course I'm proud of them, I'd be a crappy friend if I wasn't. But at the same time I can't help but feel a tinge of jealousy. And likewise when something great happens to me, I'm sure they have the same feelings. However, I seem to take on some guilt in the process. I feel guilty that things aren't going well for Sarah, Jane, and whoever else. I try to convince myself that it hasn't nothing to do with me so why am I feeling guilty but it doesn't really help. I don't know... I'm just weird like that.

My family is pissing me off to the point where I'm so ready to move and not be around them anymore. At this point my mom has become the cool one (right after my brother) and I f-ing love her right now.

Yesterday: We have like 4 gallon sized bottles of Margarita mixer in the cabinet. I'm thinking to myself, why are we not using these. I asked my mom to pick up the tequila after work but she didn't know what to get so my brother bought it. After we're all done cooking and we're just chilling outside, I go in the house and make a batch of the Margaritas. Of course I pour myself a cup. I'm 5 months away from my 21st, I already drink while I'm at school, and my mother was sitting right next to me and she didn't even say anything. She lets me get away with a little here and there, like wine coolers and stuff.

We ran out from the first mix so I go inside and make another with less alcohol and more ice. This time when I go outside, my aunt has to express her opinion. "I hope you're not drinking... You're on medication... blah blah blah." First of all I'm sick and tired of people always reminding me that I'm sick.Trust me, I fucking know so let me enjoy my life for however much longer I have it. I've been on medication all my life and I've been drinking pretty often for the past two years so if I ain't dead yet, one Margarita isn't going to do it. Secondly, she brought up my dead cousin into the conversation. Do you want me slip back into a depression? Do you want me to kill myself because I can make it happen? So fucking uncalled for. Besides the family never revealed how he died, everyone's just been speculating so shut the fuck up. Finally, you think I don't know about alcohol and drug interaction. You think I'm fucking stupid? If I'm willing to accept those risks, that's my fucking problem not yours. Mind your own fucking business. Who are you to say something to me? You're not my mother! Besides, I went to another BBQ later that evening and enjoyed some Coke and Henny

Today: Wake up and my fucking father is here. I don't like this guy, he annoys me and now he's hanging around more and more. Why? So I go back to sleep and pray that he leaves before I wake up cause I don't want to deal with him.

My friend calls me at 9 o'clock. I'm like "Wtf?" and I don't answer cause I was still sleeping. Since the call woke me from my deep sleep I kind of just laid in my bed and listened to see if my father was still here. I didn't hear his voice so I got up to pee. Lo and behold his ass was still here. So after I use the bathroom I come back in my room, pick up my phone, and call my friend back because I knew if she was calling me it was because she wanted to go out and do something. If I had plans, then I don't have to stay here with the asshole all day. We decide to go to the movies. After I get off the phone with her, my mom was leaving for work so I went to say bye (my father was leaving at the same time too, thank God). My mom asks me if I'm going anywhere today and I say yeah, I'm going to the movies. Here goes my father, "So if she didn't ask, you weren't going to tell her you're going out." I'm just like, pause. This is the understanding that my mother and I have, why the fuck are you interjecting your two cents? I would have told her regardless of whether she asked or not so shut the fuck up.

Why is everyone suddenly trying to run my life? College isn't just class, food, and sleep. I have been taking care of myself for two years now. There are some social skills that I have learned. I do have a brain so to put in a way that you guys can understand. Shut the fuck up and mind your own damn business!

I have another blog thing that I don't care to reveal cause I like that I don't know many people on there personally (no offense) but one of the people I follow did this thing with all the guys he's dated and I figure it was a good exercise. I changed it a little and included old crushes and hook ups because I've only ever dated one guy and that technically doesn't even count as a relationship. Buy anyway Enjoy!

Lamar: It was 1st grade and I absolutely adored you. I always picked you to be my partner in class and my fire drill buddy to hold hands with. I told my mom about you in secrecy but she ratted me out to my father who yelled at me. That was when I stopped telling my mom about the boys I liked. You moved away after 1st grade but I still remember you.

Elliot: I started liking you in 8th grade and we've been friends ever since. You are still the smartest boy I know but you downplayed it back then by being the class clown. I talked to you on the phone almost every night in 8th grade but I didn't realize until I got older that you were ashamed to be my friend in school. Seeing you go to senior prom with Josi really killed me and I still get jealous now that you're away at Harvard dating Cleo. You taught me to always say what I feel cause I still don't know if anything could've happened between us.

Chris: (Junior year of high school) I liked you the moment I saw you but thought you were unattainable. We had our secret talks and you even drove me home one afternoon. Then you started pursuing Adriana and I realized that you would never date a black girl. We were from different worlds and I didn't fit in yours.

Mike: (Junior year of high school) You were my first boyfriend and first kiss. I still couldn't believe that you actually liked me cause I had formed a complex after all those years of being single. Though I did have feelings for you, my heart wasn't in the relationship cause I was still thinking about Chris... your best friend. You were a great guy but turned into a complete asshole once I broke it off. At least I was true to myself and didn't stay with you out of obligation.

Jay (Jason): I started liking you during summer camp. I was 15 and you were 17, graduating that summer. Nothing happened for 2 years after first meeting you because you became a counselor and off limits since I was still a camper. Then I became a counselor too and we kept planning to hang out but never did until my last day there. We watched a movie and cuddled. That night we made out and I slept in your room which was really awkward since your roommate was there. You didn't say good-bye to me the next day which was a totally dick move but I learned to only pursue guys who liked me as much as I liked them.

Maurice: We were friends during EOF (before freshman year of college) but the attraction wasn't strong. When we came back to start the semester we hung out and flirted a lot. You came over during a movie night in my room and asked to sleep over. I allowed it cause I thought we would only be sleeping. We made out for a bit but I felt really awkward about it in the morning. I avoided you for the rest of the year but I learned that I should only hook up with people I actually like.

Marc: You were the guy every girl secretly and openly wanted during EOF. We were just friends because I saw how flirty you were with all the girls and I didn't want to date a whore. We talked on and off over the past 2 years but something just happened during the past week and you got super flirtatious. Seeing that I hadn't had a hook up in the past 2 years, we made out and parted kind of awkwardly. I learned that I need to learn how to kick guys out of my room with more elegance.